Life Doesn’t Always Turn Out As You Planned

I’ve had several things waiting for me to talk about as I got through Thanksgiving. I had planned to write about the radio interview on Saturday. I was going to tackle the next installment in my journey to motherhood (now that Julie is in labor and I don’t have to worry about scaring her with my less-than-perfect hypnobirthing experience), I’ve been mulling over the concept of “minority rule.” I’m not going to go into any of them right now, though, other than to say that the radio interview did go well. We were on for about half an hour and we covered the blankies, domestic adoption, and international adoption. And, yes, I got the opportunity to mention my teenage girls and the women from my church more than once. So I was happy with the outcome.

The reason that I can’t bother with any of that at the moment is that I finally heard back from T’s mom, P~ (T~ is N’s birthmom). P~ and I talked for about an hour. Well, mostly she talked, and I listened. I have been concerned about the fact that I had tried to call her five different times since mid-October without a reply. Sean told me last night that he suspected that something had to be going on–they have never hesitated in calling us back. He was right. Like me, T~ is pregnant for the third time since N~ was born. Apparently, she is due just a few weeks after I am, at most. This means that there will only be a little less than 2 1/2 years between her oldest and this one. From what I gathered, her parents found out (for sure–they had suspected) right around the first time I tried to call.

P~ admitted to me that she hasn’t called back because she needs to be in “the right frame of mind” to think about N~. She told me that, as T~ continues to have more children, it becomes harder for her to not regret their decision for her to not parent N~. Basically, she is involved with her other grandchildren, which makes her miss the idea of being more involved with him. Obviously, I already knew all of that. And I am glad that she feels comfortable enough to share it. It is still hard to hear, though, especially given the reason.

The thing is, all of us viewed N’s adoption as a second chance for T. She had goals for herself–things that she wanted to do and be. But she didn’t. And I know that is part of what is hard for P~. She supported the adoption because she wanted her child to have a different life. Now, T~ is in pretty much the same place (all three kids do have the same father, but it isn’t an ideal relationship), and is still raising kids. For P~, nothing necessarily improved for her daughter, but she at least still has the relationship with her grandchildren.

And I guess that is the hard part for me. P~ seems to regret based on the fact that nothing has really changed–I am so grateful because nothing has really changed. Don’t misunderstand–I don’t think that T~ is a bad person. And I don’t think that she is a bad mother. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t talk about her at all if I thought poorly of her. But, the reality is, she isn’t in a good situation and, given the choice between our situations, I’m glad N~ is where he is.

I know that you can’t really look at where she is and assume that it is where she would have been if she had chosen to parent him. Honestly, that is part of what I can’t stop thinking about, too. P~ gave me some information about N’s birthfather today that I didn’t have before. It really scares me to think that he may have worked his way back into T’s life if N~ were with her. There is no question–that would not have been good for either of them.

Anyhow, it has just been kind of a weird day, emotionally. I am sad for them. I’m sad that things didn’t turn out as they hoped for their daughter. I am sad for her–all that she has been through and all that I’m afraid she may still go through. Sean thinks that I should respect their apparent need for space right now and just let them call us when they want. That is hard for me because I really do care for them. Even if we didn’t have N~ in common, they are people that I would want to know. Because we have N~ in common, I think that it is only natural that I wish I could fix their problems.

I’ve always said that, when it comes to our relationship, I’d play it by ear.

Right now, I feel tone deaf.

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Filed under adoption, open adoption, pregnancy, Vietnam blanket project

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