Post-Holiday Let-Down and Pregnancy Fears

I feel like I missed some opportunities. The last post I attempted to write was about the best interests of adoptees (as per my discussion with Joy). I do still want to write it. Actually, I did write it, but didn’t post it. So much of how I feel on this topic is related to the personal experiences of the people around me. I need to figure out a way to talk about it without sharing too much of other peoples’ stories.

I certainly wanted to talk some about Christmas. I ended up being awake until 2:00 am Christmas morning, trying to finish everything up, and still didn’t have everything ready when W~ came running out at 6:30, saying “Wow, mommy, look at all of the pretty presents.” The two oldest were a little disappointed that I hadn’t been able to finish the blankies that I promised them (am I going to burn for telling them that I was afraid Santa wouldn’t be able to stop at our house if I stayed up to work on them any longer?), but they were excited enough about everything else that they were ok with it. N~ got the pogo stick that he has been talking about for at least a month (for the life of me, I have NO clue where he even got the idea, but I like the energy expenditure that goes with it). The older two both got Leapsters, and they took to the idea of video games in a way that even surprised me (they’ve not spent much time with video games of any sort up to this point). My parents got the older two shirts that came with skateboards. They were thrilled. I keep having to remind them not to try and ride them down the steps.

It was a happy and busy day, full of time to play and time to be with family. By the end, I could tell that the adrenaline that has kept me going over the past few weeks was starting to wear off. And the germs were starting to wage war. By Christmas night I had no question about it–I was getting sick. It is just a cold, but it still sucks. Anything extra sucks when you are seven months pregnant, achy, and tired from weeks of Christmas preparation. Oh well.

Now that Christmas is no longer a concern (well, other than those blankies that I still need to finish), my brain can focus on new things (nature hates a void, right?). So what is on my brain? Labor, naturally. Well, not so much the labor itself–I’ve been through that, know I can handle it, whatever. It’s more of a circumstances surrounding the labor issue that is starting to get me. It started yesterday.

My siblings and I all spent the majority of the day at my parents’ house. We gathered to take the grandchildren photo that will be by parents’ (belated) Christmas present (scheduling a photo time for four different families when one lives on the other side of the country and another has to deal with holiday custody schedules is a bit tricky). After taking a picture and having lunch, I walked in on my sister and her husband looking at a calendar and discussing. I asked if they had an update on the progress of their adoption paperwork.  What little they had seemed to indicate that things wouldn’t get done before the lunar new year, which meant they couldn’t see travel happening before the end of February.

“Don’t worry,” they said, “it would probably be the last week of February at the earliest.” Apparently, they had forgotten the specifics of my due date. They thought I was due a little earlier in February, as opposed to the last week.

Have you ever really wanted two completely separate and opposing things? On one hand, I really want my mom to go to Vietnam. My brother-in-law has been having back issues, and he could definitely use the help while he is there. And I know that she would enjoy the experience. But…

It really scares me to think of having the baby while she is gone, because I don’t know who else could be certain to be around to watch my older kids. And the thing is, she didn’t even really watch them all that much last time around. I don’t think I ever told anyone, but I really felt kind of abandoned after C~ was born. Sean really felt like he needed to get back to take care of N~ and W~ and I didn’t have a lot of visitors. I was really lonely while I was in the hospital. I really wished that I had more hands to hold him so I could sleep a bit more before having to go home and be the mother to three. If I didn’t get as much of that as I wanted when she was around, what will it be like if she is out of the country? Sean really wouldn’t be able to spend time in the hospital with me. And this time, I’ll be going back to FOUR kids.

So, as much as I want her to go, I also want her to stay. And as much as I want my nephew to come home, I wanted our families to each have their own special “new baby” time. I want to be able to celebrate his arrival when I’m not recovering from delivery and sleep deprived from having a newborn. I want my sister to be able to visit me in the hospital without having to worry about affecting his adjustment period. So please, Vietnam powers that be, would you please just hurry up and get everything done BEFORE any more holidays get in the way. I’ve been praying for that for my sister’s sanity for months now. And now, well, my prayers have somewhat of a selfishness added to them. I’ll admit it.

Then, this morning, a new fear hit me. You see, late February in our area can be a time of, um, unpredictable weather. I’m talking potential snow and ice storms. It seems like, if we are going to get a really massive one, that is about the time of year that it happens. If it is bad enough, they broadcast snow emergency levels (kind of like the terror threat levels). Level one–nasty roads, don’t go out if you don’t need to. Level two–really bad, only travel if it is absolutely necessary. Level three–we’ll arrest you if we catch you driving. So my new fear is that we’ll get a “big one” and I’ll go into labor during a level three emergency. What happens, then? I suppose that we would have to call an ambulance to take me. It takes almost half and hour to get to the hospital on good roads–how long would it take on “impassible” ones? The only upside I could see is that my dad wouldn’t need to be at work, so he could watch the kids and Sean could ride in the ambulance, too. But then, how would he get back home?

Yep, I admit it, I’m officially becoming neurotic.

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2 Comments

Filed under adoption, Kids, pregnancy

2 responses to “Post-Holiday Let-Down and Pregnancy Fears

  1. Nancy

    Those people who ride in the backs of ambulances with you have training to deliver babies, and emergency equipment on hand to boot. They could get to your house pretty quickly, even on “impassable” roads. Have you considered asking Grandpa to pitch in if it becomes necessary? Whatever happens, you won’t be abandoned. Sorry to hear you felt abandoned last time.

  2. Pingback: Facing My Delusions Head-On « Mixed Nuts

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