An Unfortunate Monologue

Let’s just start by saying that I’m not a morning person.

Now, I’m not so bad that I would, say, complain if someone smiled at me in the morning. Honestly, I probably would be ok with mornings if not for the fact that I have now had about five and a half years of solid sleep deprivation (hmm…now that would have been an unfortunate slip–I initially typed “depravation”). But, since I have, it does take me a few minutes to come out of the haze and function on a normal level in the morning. Which didn’t help with how my morning started today.

My sweet husband usually gets up with the kids and allows me to sleep in since I am waking up several times throughout the night. At 7:30, he’ll send one of them in to wake me up, which they usually do very gently. Today, N~ came in at the appointed hour, quietly told me it was time to get up, then left the room.

As I worked on trying to get my brain and my limbs all going in the same direction, pandemonium broke out. N~ came running back to greet me in the hallway.

“Ifrsh lismk rocht (I’m still half asleep and not comprehending here). W~ agorsam rougeth peed through his butt!”

OK, now you’ve got my attention.

Of course, at this point, he is laughing so hard that the next sentence is more gibberish. All I know is that it ended with the word v*gina.

Followed by hysterical laughter. Then the word v*gina again. And more laughter. And another repetition of the word.

I can only imagine that the first look that my husband got from me this morning was a sleepy combination of What the heck??? and You may want to consider running for your fricken’

Sean recognized the need to explain quickly.

“The boys wanted to know what girls have since they don’t have pen!ses, so I told them they have v*ginas. But they think that the word is hilarious.”

“Yeah, this would be why I have always just gone with the term ‘girl bottoms’ with them,” I responded.

“But they got confused by that and thought that girls peed from their butts.”

Well, at least the garbled comments made more sense. I didn’t bother pointing out to Sean that girls don’t pee out of the aforementioned body part, either. So now, I either let my kids believe that the wrong thing is performing certain bodily functions, or I pull out a paper and pencil and start drawing diagrams.

Anatomical ambiguity it is.

Of course, now I have to worry about one of my sons practicing their new vocabulary word during, say, Primary at church. Let me just apologize in advance to their teachers, should that happen. More importantly, though, let me go ahead and give you permission, in that event, to go smack my husband upside his head. You know where to find him.


Today, I am Thankful For:

  1. A husband who gets up early with the kids and lets me sleep in. For better or worse.
  2. My kids’ creativity, even when they use it for evil purposes. 😉 This morning, I found them in a room with the door closed, trying to blow up an air mattress with a bicycle pump that they had somehow snuck in from the garage. They get points for ingenuity.
  3. The fact that my ultimatum-proclaiming four-year-old is still (for the most part) persuaded by logic. One of my favorite statements when he needs a nap is, “I can’t make you sleep, but I can make you stay here until you do.” That usually quiets his threats to never speak to me/not lay down/hate me forever and has him asleep in a matter of a few minutes.
  4. The time I spent helping C~ play games on the Leapster today. He is starting to understand how to use it, and he loved having me help him get the right answers. Better yet, he loved having me see when he could get the right answers on his own!
  5. The time I spent doing an impromptu phonics lesson with W~ today. Of all of my kids, he is the one that I worry gets lost in the shuffle the most. He’s the least inclined to demand my attention, and with the others demanding so constantly, I sometimes forget to make sure he’s getting enough time, too. I need to do it more, though. The kid has an amazing mind. We spent less than an hour working with letters today, and he was sounding out sentences in N’s phonic reader. He just turned four! Amazing.


Filed under Daily Life, Homeschooling, Kids, NaBloPoMo, Thirty Days of Thankfulness

3 responses to “An Unfortunate Monologue

  1. mamalutz

    hahaha! Ohhh I got a good workout laughing so hard at that one. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Bwaaaahahahaha!!!! I would start praying now for them to keep their newfound knowledge to themselves during Primary. You only have a couple of days to prepare. ;>)

  3. Nicole

    You crack me up! I swear you need to publish this blog and all your hilarious stories. 🙂

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