Monthly Archives: September 2009

Kid Poops-a-Lot


Oh. my. gosh.Becky, look at that butt.
That diaper’s big.
It looks like one of those diaper commercials.
Who understands those commercials?
They only talk to about poop because they can make a lot of money,ok?
I mean that butt!It’s just so big!
I can’t believe–it’s just so round!It’s just so out there!
I mean, *GROSS*
It’s full of crap!


I like clean butts and I cannot lie.
You other mothers can’t deny
That when a kid walks in with diaper full of waste
And it hits you in your face
You go numb!
Ya’ gotta be all tough
Cuz you know that that diaper’s stuffed!
Deep in the jeans she’s wearin’
Is goo and I can’t stop swearin’.

Oh, baby, don’t wanna be near ya’
Or even hear  ya’.
My playgroup tried to warn me
’Cause that butt you got
Makes m-m-me so ornery!

Ooh, little Miss Smooth Skin
You say you wanna play with your friends?
Well ‘scuse me ‘scuse me
That diaper’s full of poopey!

I see her playin’
With that diaper swayin’
It’s wet, yet, that’s not the worst it can get.

I’m tired of magazines
Making diapers look all clean.
Take the average momma and tell her that
She’ll say you’re full of crap!

So mommas (yeah!) mommas (yeah!)
Your kiddo got a stinky butt? (Heck yeah!)
It’s time to change it, (change it), change it,(change it),
change that nasty butt!

Baby’s got crap!
(Gerber face with a barnyard booty!)
Baby’s got crap!


If that didn’t make any sense to you, you can look up Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot on YouTube. But don’t watch the real video, because when MTV bans your video when it first comes out…um, yeah.

Anyhow, now it is out of my head and I can move on with my life.



Filed under A Scary Look into My Mind, Just for Fun, Kids, Parenting

A Simple Kind of Life

First, let us pause to observe a moment of silence for Skippy the Squirrel, who tragically lost his life at his own paws yesterday when he decided to explore the breaker on the electrical lines in our back yard.

Skippy, we saw the light as you scampered towards it (and heard quite the pop, too).

Private to our local power and light company: Isn’t there something you can do to that box? Because, really? I’m not a fan of barbequed squirrel. Or power outages in the middle of breakfast. Or my kids oooh-ing and ahhhh-ing over smoking, contorted, hairless dead squirrels.



The weather is starting to cool down around here. Autumn is in the air, and I love it. This is my favorite time of year. This year, though, as everything dies and prepares to sleep through the winter, I find myself already excited about the possibilities of the spring.

While it now looks as though it has suffered an apocalyptic event, I consider my gardening experiment this year to have been a success. After yesterday’s canning, I now have 27 quarts of salsa to attest to a decent tomato crop. But I’m already plotting how I can make it better. I am reading a book about lasagna gardening. I now have a bucket! for rotting things! sitting on my kitchen counter! because I’m apparently off my gourd and now become excited about stuff like that.

Off course, the bucket of rotting things is nothing compared to the big pile of rotting things in my side yard that we plan on making a little fence around. Because rotting piles should have picket fences. Maybe I’ll wear pearls to dump my bucket into it. If all goes as planned, it will all turn into super-dirt for me to use in my garden and around my house where I finally, after almost six years of living here, plan to plant decent flower beds. I’m not at all behind on landscaping or anything.

And as my garden is dying off and my canning is winding down, I have now been looking for good orchards around our area. I’m ready to start making freezer applesauce. (Of course, we don’t have nearly enough room in our freezer for how much I want to make, so I’ll be trolling Craig’s List soon for a chest freezer.) And, since I’ve enjoyed the garden so much this year, I am planning on planting a small orchard in our yard this spring. I’m thinking about six apple trees, two pecan trees (now that’s a total act of faith), and maybe some apricots or pears. Oh, and maybe I’ll top it all off with a beehive. Because my mom’s honey is yummy.

My dad is currently building a new shed/mini barn in his yard. He is giving us his old one with the idea that, with some work, we can turn it into a play house for the kids. A couple of days ago, I asked Sean if he was still thinking that we were going to take on that challenge.

“Yeah, we can do it,” he told me.

I gave him a sly smile.

“Because, you know, we could always turn it into a chicken coup instead.”

“I had thought of that, too,” he said.


Heck, we could keep white rabbits in there, too. Then they could invite the Mad Hatter over for tea because I definitely just landed on the wrong friggin’ side of the looking glass. He’s always acted like I was crazy when I talked about looking into raising chickens. I still don’t think that it will happen any time soon, but the fact that using that shed for chickens had crossed his mind, too? Unbelievable.

So, there you go. Gardens, chickens, compost, and bees. These are the things that occupy my mind on these chilly early-Autumn evenings.


And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife*

*A Simple Kind of Life, No Doubt


Filed under Books, Daily Life, food, Healthy Living, The Me Behind the Mommy

Real Education

Before I get on to more important things, can I just say that Julie Chen should fire her stylist over tonight’s outfit? Yes, that’s right, I WATCH BIG BROTHER. And Julie’s finale outfit? She looks like she’s wearing a Snuggie.


What do you want to teach your children?

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, but even more so lately. I don’t remember how much I went into it here, but I seriously considered going for complete homeschooling this year instead of using the virtual school. This was because I wanted the freedom to teach my children what I wanted them to learn, including adding things like religious studies (and, in case you are wondering, that doesn’t mean that we would be going on field trips to the Creationism museum where they have Adam and Eve in the Garden with animatronic dinosaurs). Ultimately, though, I chose to stick with the virtual academy because I wanted that paper trail showing that Wyatt started school this year just in case it ever became an issue. Next year, I may feel differently.

The past several days, though, I have been thinking about more than just traditional learning. And a lot of that, I have to admit, has to do with things I am learning to do in my own life.

This is the part where I put my little disclaimer that I’m not criticizing my parents (Hi Mom! Love ya!). Seriously, I’m not. They did so many things right in how they raised all of us, and I have so much to be grateful to them for. And, let’s face it, even with the best effort, we all have things we could have done better.

I want to make sure that my kids develop life skills that will help them become self-reliant. I have reached a point in life where I look back on who I was as a college student and young adult early in my marriage and just think, “Wow, how did I manage when I was so clueless?” I was always really book smart. My parents insisted that I got good grades and threatened to limit my social activities if I didn’t keep up with my studies. They expected a lot out of me in that regard, so I performed. But so many of the skills that I need now? I had no clue.

The really interesting thing to point out, though, is that it was all available to me. My parents are some of the most impressive people that I know when it comes to managing their lives. My mother has always had a garden. She’s always canned food. She sewed everything from dolls to blankets to Halloween costumes to Homecoming dresses as we grew up. My father can fix anything. He took the time to learn about engines and plumbing and wiring so that he can do so many things on his own instead of relying on (and paying) others to do it for him.

All of that knowledge was available to me growing up and I didn’t take the initiative to learn. And, as a parent now, I understand a lot of why my parents probably didn’t push me to learn it all. It takes time and effort (and a whole lot of patience) to teach that stuff to a kid. And when you’re in the middle of it, it is a whole lot quicker (and less frustrating) to just do it yourself. That is the problem I run into with my own kids already. I have so much to do and so little time to do it in that I don’t want to slow down to make them learn how to do it with me.

Incidentally, this is one of the areas where I think my husband truly excels as a parent. As much as it scares the crap out of me on a regular basis, he is always letting the kids be part of what he is doing—even if that means the one-year-old is out there while he’s cutting down trees. Or the three-year-old is rolling a tire around the yard while he’s working on the brakes. Even though I’m the one who spends more time working around our kids, he’s the one who is teaching them more about work because he does it WITH them—I do it AROUND them.

I want to work on this. In the past couple of years, I have been learning to do a lot more things to be self-reliant and I want to make sure that my kids can do them all before they leave our house (unlike my sweet husband, my boys WILL know how to sew on a button so they don’t have to rely on their wives to keep their pants up). I want them to learn how to sew. I want them to know how to garden (and I realize this means letting them do it with me—as much as the thought pains me—and not just in the sense that I try to make them weed it for me). I want them to learn how to preserve food (I canned five quarts of peppers and EIGHTEEN quarts of salsa last week—go me!). I want my kids to know how to fix things so, unlike me, they’ll be able to change tires and oil and whatever else life throws at them.

I want them to be able to take care of themselves because, someday, I won’t be able to do it for them.

What do want to teach your kids?


Filed under Homeschooling, Kids, Parenting

Important Life Lessons

As I was getting ready for the day this morning (shortly after scrubbing the carpet because I was stupid enough to put carpet in the dining room and, you know, orange juice BELONGS on the floor), my oldest three boys came running to me.

“Mommy, Mommy! We’re making a band! Can we have tattoos? We can’t be a band without tattoos!”

I am, of course, glad to see that my children have developed a strong awareness of pop culture. So, being the stellar parent that I am, I reached on top of the refrigerator and pulled down the sheets of temporary tattoos kept for just such an emergency. Within minutes of application, they had also retrieved the sashes from their Superman curtains, which were being worn as bandanas. Noah informed me that Eli would be playing the drum solo.

Can I just say how completely my children crack me up? (Of course, I’ve noticed it a lot more since I started putting all of their funny little moments up on Twitter. I guess I didn’t pay as close of attention to how funny they were until I started writing it all down.) Honestly, though, how can you not laugh at three little boys with temporary tattoos, Superman sash bandanas, a toy drum and an acoustic guitar who are “rocking out”?

Since our car has a nifty line in feature that allows us to plug in our MP3 players, we spent a few hours this weekend listening to our favorite songs while travelling back and forth to a family member’s house.  At one point, Sean and I got into a conversation about how wonderful technology is because we were able to expose our kids to the music we like without making them (and us) listen to all of the other crap on the radio. And really, how awesome is it that our kids can sing along to Tom Petty and Aerosmith? Or that Noah regularly asks to listen to Paradise City? Or that Wyatt asked us to play Bohemian Rhapsody a couple of times in a row because he liked the second half so much? Or that Caleb makes awesome “rockin’ out” faces while bobbing his head to the whole darn playlist? (I know, some of you are just shocked by this…) It is parenting nirvana (as opposed to Nirvana, which is not currently on the playlist but has some worthwhile offerings that the kids would probably enjoy…).

My kids are hilarious AND cool.

Changing topics…

I spent an entire hour this morning confused as to why my internet wasn’t working. Wait, backup, let me clarify something. We don’t actually have an internet connection (shocked?). What we DO have is a rockin’ signal booster that allows us to surf off of my (next door) parents’ wireless connection. So, if something goes weird, I reboot the signal booster. Or reboot my laptop. Occasionally, I hold the laptop in the air with the side that I think gets the best reception pointing out the window towards said parents’ house (seriously, I’m that pathetic). If all else fails, I sacrifice a chicken and dance naked streaked in blood.

None of it was working this morning, and we had done all we could with school without an internet connection.

I finally broke down and called my dad.

“Can you reset your wireless for me? I can’t get on the internet.”

“Nope,” was his only reply.

Then it hit me. He was having some electrical work done. He couldn’t reset it because he didn’t have any power. Which was why I couldn’t log onto the internet. Duh.

So I did what any good homeschooling mother would do. I turned on the Science Channel and told them that today’s attendance hours would be brought to them by Junkyard Wars (hey, you learn about mechanics AND get handy environmental lessons about how cool it is to recycle stuff).

I suppose that I could have done things more like they would have encountered in public school. I could have written several lists of rules that would be different for each subject, or had them jump on the trampoline yelling “Go Team!” to replicate a pep rally. Goodness knows how much of my school  time was occupied with things of that nature. And maybe it would have been more effective—after about 15 minutes, Noah was begging to do real school.

Maybe next time I’ll just pull out the Superman curtains and teach the boys to play air guitar for music credit.  I don’t think I’ve exposed them to The Doors yet…


Filed under Daily Life, Homeschooling, Kids, Parenting